The other day, I noticed that a friend of mine (we'll call him 'Gunner') recently began wearing lots of flannel. I thought maybe it was just because of the onset of chilly, Fall weather, so I didn't think too much of it. I also noticed that the razor in his bathroom has gone unused for a very long time and his scruffy face has now turned into a full-on soup catcher! Now, I'm not one to pry, but I couldn't resist. I went through his closet and tucked behind his fur coats: an axe. What do I do?
Fur coats, multiple?! Hmmm. I’m sorry to say this, Zack, but it does sound like your friend is coming down with a case of Lumberjackism.
Now this isn’t necessarily a problem. I mean the world needs more foster beards to house orphaned woodland creatures, and lord knows some wooden tables are just ASKING for it. (There was this wooden bench the other day in the park giving me the worst dirty looks. What a jerk!)
BUT if you love your friend and don’t want them to run off into the forest sunset riding a bizarrely colored ox, here are some steps you can take:
1. Put clown noses* or squeaky dog toys on EVERY wooden surface in your friend’s house. Lumberjacks live for the sound of ax hitting tree and when that sound is morphed into cute squeaks it’s just not the same.
*NOTE: you might want to remove the clown noses from the actual clowns, though I guess terrified clown screams would also work as a deterrent.
2. Get rid of the beard. Beards are a powerful force. They draw plaid to them like magnets. Suspenders can’t resist being so close to those coarse facial hairs. It’s hard to convince someone to shave, but the next time you are walking past a vat of hot wax, just “accidentally” trip your friend to fall in face first. Grab a towel to “help get off that wax!” and wrap it around their face. Pull as quick as you can in a download motion, waxing that beard away, and saving your friendship and a green or red ox the trouble of carrying your friend away.
This methods are powerful, but they are not 100% guarenteed. If none of this works, remember Lumberjacks are People Too.
And super contagious. According to my math, by 2017 we’ll all be Lumberjacks. And you know what. I think I’m okay with that.
Dear Lumberjack Day crew, I had a friend mention your grand celebration off all things lumberjacked without knowing the details or its origin. I think it is great it has spread so far and wide. Also, what should I leave out for the Lumberjack who visits the night before? And will he really bring me my own tiny ax as requested?
That’s a very good question! The best thing to leave out for the Lumberjacks is a giant bowl of water. I’m talking GIANT. And in the very center carefully place a portion of a fell Redwood tree, preferably 12-14 feet in length. Lumberjacks don’t actually LIKE to give presents. But often when they are log-rolling some of their clothes and various axes will fly off their person.
In the morning look around. I bet you’ll find that ax (and possibly flannel underwear) you had been hoping for stuck somewhere on the ceiling!
Happy Lumberjack Day to you and yours! We’re very excited that word of this grand holiday is spreading like Lumberbeard chipmunks.